The Dating Adventures Continue
Post date: 2008-12-04
After bursting in on my co-manager to tell him I wanted to sleep with him and then bolting out the door, I couldn't believe I had just sexually harassed one of my peers at work.
How could I have been so stupid?
When Ewan came out to work with us, I avoided him like the plague. Finally he cornered me alone and asked,
“What you said to me in there, were you joking or did you mean it? “
I wanted to lie, I wanted to say I was just kidding but I couldn’t so I just looked down at floor and said, “I meant every word. “
After that, we didn’t talk for a while. Work went on as usual. Nothing was said and I did my best to stay out of his way for the next couple of days. At home, I didn’t even hear what my boyfriend said to me at dinner and practically forgot his existence. I was SO nervous, so scared of what I had done. I couldn’t possibly tell anyone what I had done. It was wrong. I had a boyfriend, this was a co-worker, and my boyfriend was a good guy. I kept this dirty little secret inside of me and all to myself. Until that is, the day Ewan called me at home.
My boyfriend and I had been out for dinner at his parent’s house when I came home and noticed we had a voicemail message. When I listened to the message and heard Ewan’s voice I just about died. OH MY GAWD! HE CALLED ME AT HOME! I thought. But what was the big deal? We were co-managers and had often called each other at home before to discuss various staffing issues and budgeting techniques, so who cared???? Well, when I heard Ewan say,
“I just wanted to talk with you about what you mentioned to me in the staff room last week. I think it’d be a great idea to talk more about it. I know it’s your day off tomorrow but maybe you want to meet up around noon or something? Let me know. “
I stood there with the phone in my hand. Frozen. My boyfriend looked at me and asked,
“Everything alright? Who called?”
His voiced snapped me back into reality and I amazingly lied,
“ Oh nothing, it was just Ewan, he just wants to meet up for a “pow wow” tomorrow, must be about the new summer promotion or something, I don’t know. I was just thinking about whether or not I want to go in on my day off. I probably won’t. “
After thinking about Ewan the entire rest of the evening. I convinced my boyfriend that it would probably be a good idea for me to go into work on my day off and that I better call Ewan and set up a meeting.
I must have practiced what I was going to say a thousand times before actually calling Ewan back. When he answered and I heard his voice however, I got that glazed look over my face I’m sure and all I said was, “hi”.
That was it. How lame was that? But he was friendly and sounded happy to hear my voice. All he said was that he was going to be at Central Park the next day and that he was would be swimming in the Central Park pool if I wanted to meet him there for 1pm. That was it and I whole-heartedly agreed.
Well let me tell you, when I showed up on that gorgeous hot sunny day at the pool, I saw Ewan diving into the pool in the hottest, sexiest swim trunks I had ever seen. His wet skin glistened and his new blonde streaks shone in the sun. I’m surprised I didn’t get completely naked at that moment and jumped right into that public pool with him! He waved over to me when he saw me and got out of the pool. He sorta hung on to the chainlink fence on the inside of the pool as I stood outside; he looked at me through the fence for a bit before saying with that devilish, irresistible grin of his,
“Did you bring your swim trunks?”
I just looked into his dreamy green eyes, giggled and shyly gasped, like a little girl,
After that, who knows what happened but I released all inhibitions and began my heated affair with Ewan. Every chance we had, we’d sneak away into the staff bathroom to make out, or we’d secretly touch each other at work and duck out for a quick little “something, something”. It was summer and hot outside but it couldn’t have possibly been as hot as our affair. He made me weak at the knees and he made my head spin when he kissed me. I lost myself in him completely. Back at his place, we did it on the table, on the floor, on the kitchen counters and I experienced things I had never experienced.
The day he told me he loved me, it pushed me over the edge and I threw away my relationship with my high school boyfriend without any regrets. I acted like a crazy, irresponsible fool. In a matter of months we were living together and missing tons of work. I’m surprised one of us didn’t get fired; we were constantly late for work. This new man brought excitement, danger, adventure and sex beyond my wildest dreams! I truly became a woman when I so vulnerably gave myself completely to Ewan. I took huge risks with him and let him deeply into my heart and soul. I experimented and tried things with him that I had never done before. Throughout our relationship we traveled, went camping, spent entire days in bed, got tattooed and lived life to the fullest. I cut my hair, streaked it, dyed it and bought kinky clothes. I literally had a different look every month. We went shopping downtown, went to see live bands play, we visited burlesque shows, fetish clubs; I experimented as a burlesque model and even remember putting on an entire strip-show for Ewan, pole dancing and all! I fell completely in love with him and I was on top of the world.
Finally, when it all ended with Ewan after 4 years, I carried my broken soul away from the relationship and it took me years to get over him and I mean years. Sure, I said that we had “mutually” decided to break up but deep down I knew that it was him that had truly already left the relationship because I wanted something from him that he could not give me. I remember sitting slumped in the bathtub with the shower running over me and just bawling. I cried and cried and cried for Ewan for months. It was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through. I didn’t feel like getting up in the mornings, I wasn’t hungry anymore. Not even my cat and doggy made me happy during those times. Lost, confused and depressed I had a long time to think. I realized I had experimented so much, done so many crazy things and exposed so much of my vulnerabilities to another person; I really had no idea how to just “be” anymore. Without baring my soul to another person or sexy, kinky, wild haircuts and clothes, who was I? I had been Ewan’s girlfriend for so long, I had been so young and carefree, how was I supposed to be now?
Just before our break-up I had gotten a new job in very high paying position with a new company. Ewan and I had gotten a cat and a dog, which were our kids, and we lived in cute little house I called our own. I was preparing dinner and cleaning the house just like a good little wife. I even learned how to make his mom’s sugar cookie recipe, so I could bake him his favourite cookies.
The day came however, when I was arguing with Ewan and it turned into a huge fight! I remember saying to him with tears in my eyes,
“You’re not planning on ever buying me an engagement ring are you? “
He just blankly stared at me with those same gorgeous green eyes I had first fallen in love with and said,
“Not any time soon ”.
Ouch that hurt. I guess I knew, right after that, our relationship was done, I just didn’t want to admit it. I had grown up and he hadn’t.
LESSON LEARNED: As much as it hurt breaking up with Ewan, (tears are even rolling down my cheeks now as I write this almost 14 years later) I know it was a necessary lesson for me to learn. Relationships that start out, as an exciting short-term affair, will most likely fail as a long term committed relationship/marriage. There is a difference between what you want and what you need and before you get into a relationship, find out exactly why you even want to go looking for a relationship. I was only 21 when I started my affair with Ewan. I wasn’t looking for a husband when I “fell” into my relationship with him. Yet, because we had been together for so long, after awhile, I expected things to evolve into an engagement and then a marriage. Big mistake! I hadn’t really done any casual dating before jumping into my relationship with Ewan, so I really wasn’t clear on what “worked” for me and what didn’t. A woman can know what she wants but unfortunately, this often is not the same as what will meet her needs. Ewan was still the same man I fell in love with when we broke up but those very same things I fell in love with (danger, excitement, spontaneity) ended up being the very same things I wanted to change about him and in the end, Ewan never changed but I did.