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ADULT RATERS article

Cleaning Up Old Relationship Business

Post date: 2008-12-04

Is there a slight chance, you might be still carrying around with you a bit of old hurt from previous relationships?

The Safari environment can be scary and unless you have a guide, plenty of water, proper footwear, a sun hat/sun block and a really big gun, you could get hurt!!!! Not to mention, you may still be afraid from the last time that you went near a cute, friendly looking, lion cub, it bit your hand off and left you bleeding!

Do you see at all what I’m trying to say here?

A very important thing to take care of before you leave on your Man Safari, dating experience, is to ensure you have healed your heart from any past hurt. Don’t get involved with another man until you are sure those wounds from a previous relationship have healed. Forgive him; forgive yourself, whatever it takes. You will know you have achieved forgiveness when you can talk about those times and no longer feel the pain. Sorry girlfriend but this also includes any unresolved issues you may have with your parents.

My own relationship with my parents determined exactly how I failed in many of my first relationships with men. My mother was who rather “unaffectionate” with us kids was never a “touchy-feely” type woman and almost came off as icy and hard to get close to. This was the complete opposite of my father who was over affectionate with me and used to spoil me rotten. It was very confusing to see my dad be so loving and affectionate to me but so abusive towards my mom and my sisters. My mother, such an attractive woman yet dad was so abusive and unfaithful to her. She cried a lot behind closed doors and their unhealthy relationship made growing up very disconcerting for me.

My mom deeply loved my father. She just wasn’t physically affectionate or the type of woman that fawned all over my dad all the time as he wanted or like I wanted for that matter. I almost felt like she didn’t know how to deal with my desire to be hugged, touched or recognized by her. As for my dad, if he wasn’t being ridiculously affectionate and drinking, he’d be hitting my mom and cheating on her.

Mom never learned how to stroke a man’s ego, my maternal grandmother was the tough farm woman that gave all seven of her kids chores and only taught my mom and my aunts how to “rustle up” some dinner and mend the men’s socks. My dad, however who was an only child was used to being the centre of attention and having my paternal grandmother do all his bidding while telling him how handsome he was.

My mother’s “icy” exterior made it easy for her to hide her soft and vulnerable self and never have to talk about her pain or fear of my dad. She didn’t know how to show my dad she loved him the way he wanted. She must have felt like a failure and couldn’t understand why he would beat her and cheat on her. She never talked about her feelings with anyone and only became colder and eventually bitter.

Mom was very passive-aggressive and showed her love the way she had been taught by her mother. She stayed home with the kids, cooked, cleaned, pressed my dad’s shirts for work, did the laundry, made our beds everyday and did the grocery shopping for all of us. Meanwhile, all dad did was complain for more affection while sitting me on his knee, telling me I was as pretty as a princess and showering me with attention. This actually made me resentful as I got older. I concluded his attention and affections were just “fake”.

In the end, my dad left my mom for another woman; a woman that was way below my mother in beauty, grace and presence but this woman was very aggressive, flirty and knew to stroke my dad’s ego on a daily basis just like he had always wanted. I hated my dad for “never” really loving me and leaving. I resented my mother even more for being too cold and too stupid to be able to hang on to my dad.

My mom was left only ever loving one man, broke, without a career, all the debts and with the best years of her life gone, (as she always reminds us.) I was 16 when my dad left and I had already vowed I would never be like my mother and I was never going to marry a “fake”, heartless cheater like my dad.

As you can see, the skills and relationship “tools” my parents left me with as a young woman were a trunk full of unhealthy behaviors and unresolved issues with both of them. But after many trials and tribulations I have learned you cannot have a healthy relationship with men until you no longer have any issues with your father and you cannot have healthy self-esteem and true love for yourself until you learn to accept your mother for the woman that she is or was.

When I was young, almost every boyfriend of mine was incapable of ever being abusive or ever harming a fly. They were all truthful, gentle and kind. (Unlike dad) I however, was aggressive, a huge flirt and totally fake, just so I could get a guy. (Unlike mom) After awhile though, I’d get bored with them when I saw how “weak” they’d be, so I’d end up cheating on all of them and then leaving them. (Just like dad )

Should I ever feel like I was going to fall in love, however, I would immediately get confused and rather than showing any vulnerability or hurt over something, I’d become icy, cold, and distant. (Just like mom) I remember even breaking up with one guy that I truly loved just so he couldn’t hurt me and break up with me first.

Ladies, be sure you are strong and stable enough to go out into those sometimes-dangerous, desert Safari plains. Deal with any unmet needs from childhood first so you can have successful dating experiences. If you keep falling off the Safari jeep, that’s ok, lean on your circle of women, keep trying and take your time. There is NO hurry.
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